Friends. Neighbors. Boyfriends. Teachers. Girlfriends. Acquaintances. Relatives. Coaches.
These are just several of the many relationships that any of us may find ourselves in. Relationships are fundamental to our well-being as humans. We are, by nature, relational. Some of our most cherished joys in life stem from relationships. Those surrounding us have the potential to impact our lives in a deeply personal way, and this can either be uplifting and empowering or hurtful and exploitative.
The unfortunate truth is that there are two sides to this coin; because the people in our lives have such personal access to our lives, they also have the potential to take advantage of us in harmful ways. With the rise of technology in the younger generation, it is especially important to educate our children about healthy relationships.
What should we, as parents and caregivers, be keeping an eye out for in our children’s relationships?
There are many indicators that could bring attention to unhealthy, exploitative relationships in our children. In other words, these indicators can be signs that grooming is occurring. Grooming is when an individual gradually manipulates their victim over time in order to take advantage of them. Many times, the victim will not even realize they are being exploited.
This blog will only cover a few signs of unhealthy relationships, but keep in mind that other signs may make you feel uncomfortable about a relationship in your child’s life as well. By being a safe person in your child's life, your child will not have anything to hide, so do not be afraid to ask questions.
Indicator #1: Your child becomes isolated and spends most, if not all, of their time with one person.
One thing that harmful individuals are really good at in relationships is convincing your child that they are exactly what your child needs. If your child is in need of a father, sister, boyfriend, or whatever it may be, harmful individuals will wear a disguise and take on that role so that your child will feel like they need them. Because of this manipulation, isolation is very easy to fall into, and it is encouraged by the harmful individual. They may communicate something such as: “Why do you need to spend time with those friends? They don’t know you like I do. Nobody knows you like I do. I am the only person you need in your life.” If you notice that your child is isolating from their family and friends and starting to spend time with a single person, it might be wise to ask some questions and see why they are distancing themselves from their loved ones.
Indicator #2: Someone starts providing your child with what they need and giving them excessive gifts.
If someone in your child’s life provides them with things such as clothes, a cell phone, or a place to stay, there may be an exploitative relationship happening. The provision of these needs creates an obligation for your child to return the favor back to this person. This obligation might be spoken or unspoken, so asking your child about it directly might not reveal the full truth. Healthy relationships are not based on a give-and-take economy. Rather, the people in your child’s life that really care for them will give without conditions. You know your child better than anyone else; fully embrace that as you try to determine if this type of grooming is happening in your child’s relationships.
Indicator #3: There is a distinct imbalance of power in your child’s relationships.
An imbalance of power may not be the case initially. Rather, it might happen gradually, especially if the first two indicators have taken place. When someone becomes the sole provider in a relationship of any kind, there can be a concerning imbalance of power. Providing for needs and wants is one major way in which people can gain power over someone else. On the other hand, the imbalance of power might be related to age, status, gender, or race, to name a few. The harmful individual will leverage the imbalance of power to take advantage of your child.
Thus, exploitation occurs when someone is taken advantage of because of their dependence on someone else.
The main theme of these unhealthy relationship indicators is that the harmful individual tries to become someone whom your child needs in order to create an obligation to “return the favor.” Any of these indicators might lead to the individual asking for inappropriate photos, sex, or even sex with others in return. Exploitation is a gradual process.
We at Freedom 4/24 prioritize educating the children and youth of our community on exploitation and healthy relationships. Below are some things that you can do:
What can I do/Prevention tips:
Parents: In addition to watching out for these indicators, always keep communication open with your child. Remind them that they can tell you anything. Be aware of who your child is spending time with.
Youth: Tell your trusted adult if you feel like someone is trying to make you feel obligated to do or give something in return. Never trust anyone who pushes you to isolate yourself from your other loved ones.
Educators: Be on the lookout for these indicators and try to notice if any of your students seem isolated and are spending all of their time with one person. Pay attention to signs of distress from your students, and identify yourself as someone your students can trust to tell if something uncomfortable is happening in their lives.
Everyone: Educate yourself about exploitative relationships, and be aware of those around you. Do not be afraid to ask hard questions.