Typically, consent is a term that relates to physical or sexual activity in relationships. However, consent has more to do with the decision-making behind your actions than the actions themselves.
Consent is….
When someone gives permission and says ‘yes’ to something.
An important part of being in a healthy relationship with another person.
Reflective of clear boundaries.
Feeling safe to say what is okay and what is not okay.
Important in brand new relationships and long-term ones.
Unfortunately, consent is not always as easy as saying yes or no, sometimes it is a yes with ‘stipulations’ or ‘conditions’.
With this “gate” analogy in mind, ask yourself….
Who are you letting in?
how are you letting them in?
Is the gate always open?
Are you making smart, intentional decisions to let safe people and situations into your life to help you reach your goals and dreams?
Here are Freedom 4/24’s essential consent practices…
Ignoring media’s lack of consent.
Rarely, if ever, will you see a conversation about consent in movies, on TV, or even hear about it in a relationship you look up to. This does not mean this should be the case in your relationship.
Choosing to talk about consent BEFORE any action is carried out.
A person should never take something or do something to another person without asking, so being able to talk honestly about each other’s boundaries, what you/they want, and what you/they don’t want is essential. Checking in with one another should happen continuously in a relationship because you always have the right to change your mind.
Being willing to “ruin the mood” by saying “no” or “not right now.”
Consent should be given each time. Even when consent has been given before, each person has the right to change their mind.
Deciding that no one is obligated to give their consent at a given time.
Giving consent should be in line with your personal boundaries and communicate how you feel, what is okay with you, and what is not. This frees you and your partner to interact when and how it is comfortable for both individuals.
Knowing “maybe” does not mean yes.
Yes means yes, no means no, and maybe also likely means no. A lack of no is NOT consent, meaning you need to pause, communicate, and/or stop. Convincing or coercion should never be the means for a consent decision.
Voicing desires and fears out loud.
This is also a part of relationships not shown in media. Healthy intimacy means being honest about where you’re at. Honesty will actually bring you closer to someone who genuinely cares for you and will likely contribute to your level of comfort with that person in the future.
Finding your worth outside of someone’s “yes” or “no.”
You and your partner can create a safe space for one another to be secure in their value no matter what the other’s desired pace or boundaries are in the relationship. And, agreeing that the other’s personal choice is not a reflection of your value or how much they love you is a foundational piece for healthy consent.
Treating consensual decision-making as a personal but mutual choice.
How you are or are not going to interact with someone needs to be a freely-made choice of willingness made by BOTH individuals. There should be no convincing, guilting, or bribing necessary to reach a choice. Both people should be in the right mindset when making a choice and feel passionate about the choice made.
Treating consent as BOTH words and action.
Consent requires a verbal, enthusiastic, and sure “yes!” Consent also requires outward ability to perform and affirm a particular choice.
Being OK with consent being withdrawn at any time.
Giving consent on one occasion time does not make it indefinite. Consent is not a binding contract and does not require someone to follow through at that time or anytime.
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Consent means utilizing communication every step of the way, meaning answers are never assumed.
In the moment, assumptions might seem more comfortable, but they actually are opposite to what is needed for creating a sustainable, healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship. Consent conversations, though uncomfortable at first, initiate and form clear boundaries, foster respect, and free each individual to communicate honestly.
Consent is 100% essential in all relationships at all times and is necessary for a healthy and respectful relationship.
Sources:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/respect-sex/
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-consent-works/
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/disability_quickies/quickies_sexual_consent_basics